The Positivity Myth

I like to think of myself as a pretty positive person. I would (probably) rate myself happy about 80% of the time. I appreciate that is a pretty, big number, but fuelled by self-delusion and chardonnay, I am digging my heels in. That said, my life is not one long, glorious walk in the park with Ryan Gosling continually trying to call me. Sometimes it’s a bit crap. And, sometimes it is very crap.

My remaining 20% works super hard feeling all the taboo stuff that most of us tend to keep quiet about. Anger, sadness, self-loathing, envy, disappointment – all that emotional baggage that we tend to label as ‘bad'. And therein, my friend lies our first problem.

In the words of Susan David a Harvard Medical School psychologist, who specialises in emotional agility

(her Ted Talk is unmissable) “Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life”.

We need to negate the notion that we should be on an eternal quest to simply maximise pleasure and minimise pain. So, in an attempt to feel less crap about feeling crap let's break this down.

Emotions are feedback

Emotions, be they anxiety or anger-driven are valuable receptors of what you want. These are the feelings that tell you if you are uncomfortable in certain situations and help you navigate your way out of them. If you were happy all of the time, you would just go along with everything and never be motivated to chase your dreams or make changes in your life because everything would seem just fine as it is.

Other emotions can also feel good

Reflecting upon times in my life when I have felt calm and centered evokes a sense of fulfillment. There was inner peace, not because I was all smiles, sometimes there were even tears but it felt cathartic to be getting that emotion out. Sometimes, it's nice to feel some discomfort. It's the emotional equivalent of a pet that's so ugly it's cute.

You are not your emotions

This stems from the Buddhist-inspired notion of non-attachment; learning to let ‘negative’ emotions arise and pass, resisting the urge to squash them down. Most of us are ‘guilty’ of saying stuff like, ‘I am so angry’ or ‘I am horribly depressed’ but as

Susan (from that TED talk), reminds us that, ‘You are not your emotions.’ So – and I appreciate for the non-yogis this may take some getting used to – it is far preferable if we ‘notice that we are feeling angry’ or ‘notice that we are feeling pretty sad’ – that way we gain some control over our emotions, instead of them climbing right inside and controlling us.

Don't try and ALWAYS make people feel better

In the same way we might try and stifle our own unwelcome emotions, many of us rush to do the same for others. I am guilty of it, because I like being a ‘Fixer’. I do it with my loved ones and probably way too much with my children, ‘Darling, don’t be sad. Let’s go get an ice-cream and pretend like cookies and cream will sort that sh*t out’. What I should be saying is ‘Darling, I am sorry that you feel sad. Disappointment can make us feel that way. It’s completly normal.’ We need to support our loved ones without trying to invalidate their feelings. The upside of not continually running in to rescue them from their 'bad' feelings is that we allow them to build resilience – the high priestess of life’s lottery.

The path to 'Real Positivity'

Nope, not Instagram driven purchases of t-shirts telling you to 'Smile'. Real positivity is the ability to see the reality for what it is. Accepting it without judgement, even if it feels pretty 'bad'. And then choosing the best way to view, deal and move forward with it from there – aka – A Positive Attitude.